most
of the mistakes i made i learned from and they helped make me who i am
today.... that said i do wish that i had been kinder and more open. i
wish that i kept my irrational angry words to myself. and showed more love and patience when i was my younger stubborn defiant self. hesitation. I can still remember the excitement when i got my camera from my daddioso for my birthday/photo class. my Nikon D75 35mm film camera(i still have it and love it to death)I remember what it felt to take that first photo. That was my passion. It always had been. I just chose to ignore it because I was afraid I couldn’t do it… that I wouldn’t be good enough to make a living at it… because really, what happens when you put all your eggs in one basket and it doesn’t work out? I was afraid to have that experience. it's one i don't want. i have wanted to do something with my photography since that first photo class when my professor told me i was had an amazing eye for composition and a fantastic artistic twist. i hesitated, for four years, and now i am making it happen. (with the help, support, and sometimes force of my boyfriend)
fear. it
grips and binds me. what if's flood the recesses of my mind and i am
frozen. tempted to leave my dreams as such. dreams. tempted to not even
try. why?? failure. my biggest fear. i never fail. at anything eve.
(except for online pre-cal that one year...doesn't count. (; ) but
seriously, what if?? what if i try to make my dream of becoming a
professional photographer come true and it fails?? what if it shatters
right before my eyes?? what if when i actually start charging-because i
need to-i don't get clients or i lose them?? what if i'm not good
enough?? what if i charge too much or if i don't charge enough?? WHAT
IF. i am terrified of the answer to a.n.y. of these questions. terrified
to even try. i read read and read forums all day long and practice all i
can to better my skill and keep my artistic talent. but what if's
freeze me in my place and make me hesitant to move.workaholic. i am addicted to working. to break even and maybe even save a little. #avoidingloans so overtime becomes my best friend. while being a full time student. because i'm insane and don't like free time, apparently. i sacrifice time that could be spent with loved ones and close friends working-nights, weekends, and holidays. with the hope of being noticed and praised. of getting a raise or promotion. or just gratitude. working as hard as i can-and getting the same amount i would if i were working half as decent. i wasted so much time in my high school years working. i'm fully aware, and still doing it now. i don't know why, i want to stop. but i can't. i feel the need to work all that i can. with the hope that one day i won't have to work so hard.
authority. i
have issues with authority. i don't like being told what to do. and i
don't like rules being placed on me. and with that comes my stubborn
defiant i-am-right-and-you-are-wrong and i-can-do-whatever-i-want-to
attitude. it's kind of bad. honest. i know i have made choices that
affected other people, and it wasn't fair to them. but i didn't think of
them or how they would be affected. i simply thought of myself
in the moment. selfish and unfair. i have almost ruined a relationship
that means the world to me because of it and now i will spend forever
trying to repair it. i have hurt others by it as well, and i truly
regret it. it's a work in progress, this accepting i am not always the
boss and have rule to abide by, slowly but surely i'm getting better.i didn't wait. i dated a guy for five some odd years, from 9th grade to six months after graduation. (yikes!) serious relationship at such a young age, 15 to be exact. my confidence went down the drain with my independence for the longest while (until he left for boot camp). and that is one relationship i wish i had stayed true to the break up (all fifty thousand times) it just wasn't a good situation after the first few months. now that i am older i wish i could go back to that little girl that dated him forever, give her a hug and tell her she is strong enough and does not need him. that if she just hangs on there is a man that comes along that is so amazing and is so good to her that she will be beside herself. (whoever said chivalry is dead-was dead wrong, this man is amazing.) that she has hope and need not give in.
that call i never made. i know it seems silly....but back in may of 2008 when my best friend Xander died, i knew something was wrong. i just knew. i can't explain how, but i did. i felt this horrible gut wrenching feeling and the fierce need
to call him, right.then.and.there. i couldn't understand these
feelings, they made no sense. i fought with them for a good five minutes
before i threw my phone across the room (yeah, did that) and laid
down. a few hours later my best friend, his sister, called me at
racquetball practice to tell me he had passed away in a car accident. i
was beside myself, and awkward. i didn't know how to respond and so i
said something along the lines of i'll come over after practice or i'll
call you after practice. ten minutes later, after my initial shock had
died down, i called her back to tell her i was on my way. -i will never
know why i felt the need to call him. i often think what if that call
had saved him, somehow?? made him slow down or even pull over and not
lose control and spin into oncoming traffic. or maybe just the fact
that i could have heard his sweet voice one last time. i had a voice
mail from him for a while, he was just talking about nothing, but at the
end he said i love you, talk to you later. i listened to it for days on
end. over and over and over again. and somehow my phone deleted it on
it's own (it expired or something, i guess) i was devastated. i wish i
made that call, more than anything.
xo
Air
pee.ess. let's recap...
-i wish i hadn't hesitated so long
-i wish i would stop letting fear own me
-i wish i didn't feel as though i have to work so much
-i wish i didn't have authority issues
-i wish i had waited
-i wish i had just made that call
pee.ess.ess. i was stuck on four for f.o.r.e.v.e.r. seriously. it was horrible.
